


the hole in my head grows (whole)

by onlyshe



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Sleepy Cuddles, its jus a recreation of nagitos suicide, the "graphic violence" is very brief but its there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28985766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyshe/pseuds/onlyshe
Summary: "Even still, [Hinata] is not enough to thaw him entirely. His heart still lies entirely encased by ice, blackened by a lifetime of self-doubt and distrust of the world around him.He is crumbling beneath Hinata. He can't help it."komaeda has a nightmare. hinata tries to comfort him.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 14
Kudos: 154





	the hole in my head grows (whole)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "all's well that ends" by rainbow kitten surprise (odd name for a group, i realize, but the song is quite melancholy and eerily beautiful); the work itself is based off of tons of the song's lyricism, so i strongly recommend giving it a listen if you'd like, but of course thats not necessary ;]
> 
> enjoy~

Komaeda is shaking.

_ I don't wanna die alone. _

His screams are muffled by the duct tape over his mouth. His voice has gone hoarse from all of his outbursts of pain, and every time his nervous system tries to rip another scream from his throat, it feels as if there are knives cutting into the tissue of his esophagus. His face is horribly distorted from the intense agony which has engulfed his body. A voice in the back of his head asks him why he's so pained, why he's begun to regret his decision to mutilate himself to such a horrid degree.

Internally, he is sneering at himself, entirely ashamed of how he seems to fall so short of suicide despite all of the work and labour he put into his plan. An eternity of planning, the intense desire to truly test the strength of despair and hope, the yearning to be a stepping stone to this final battle between the opposing moralities… and this is how he acts, now that everything has finally culminated? He doesn't know why he's so surprised with himself; it should've been expected for scum like himself to want to deviate from the plan.

_ I don't wanna die at all. _

Staring death in the face is a terrifying thing. It causes irrationality to bloom in the brain, the usual way one's thoughts are networked being turned entirely on its head. It seems, now, that Komaeda is no different, his mind in absolute anarchy as he uselessly thrashes about in his own blood, the sting of regret seeping into him through his countless self-inflicted lacerations. He has spent so long content with the idea of dying, so long as his death would serve as a gateway to hope, and now he is pathetically renouncing his own word.

This is so unlike himself.

_ All I wanted was somebody's love. _

His body seems to move independent of his will now. He desperately tries to stop himself from loosening his grip on the rope, but his arm won't listen to him. 

There is a loud voice in his mind insulting him for being too weak to go all the way through with his plan, saying that if he couldn't finish the job, then it would. 

The spear is dropped from the ceiling, and he lets out a blood-curdling scream as it impales him, his blood splattering all over the surrounding area. The pain sears through his entire body, a white-hot pain that seems endless as it crashes with the waves of agony radiating from his arm and thighs. His eyes are wide, nearly popping out of his skull and overflowing with tears. His entire body has erupted in violent tremors, even despite the ropes pulling his limbs taut.

He is swallowed by the ocean of pain, a sea of black drowning out his vision as he feels himself slip from consciousness for the last time in his life. His mind is still aflame with the fumes of self-hatred as he bleeds out on the warehouse floor, his thoughts chanting their last refrains of regret.

The black haze is suddenly lifted from his vision. He's still shaking rather violently, in the same spread eagle position he was moments ago, though now, his limbs are free of any restraints. The floor beneath him is much softer than that of the warehouse, and the ceiling looks as if it is made of wood paneling. Unbeknownst to him, the pains of the lacerations across his arm and legs are merely phantom pains which haunt him with the same intensity that the real wounds had.

Suddenly, a hand wraps around his right arm and tries to move it onto his sweat-drenched chest. He yelps, snatching his arm away, the deep cuts on his arms stinging in response to being touched. He scrambles into a sitting position, and beside him there is a groggy groan.

"Komaeda… what are you doing..? Your arm was in my face, why are you all…" the drowsy voice trails off as heterochromatic eyes lazily blink open, and then widening into alertness as they process the importance of the scene before them. Komaeda is still shaking, one arm wrapped tightly around himself as the other pulls rather hard at sweat-slicked curls. The boy beside him sits up, his gaze softly trained on Komaeda's fragile figure.

"Can I… touch you?" His voice is but a whisper, remnants of sleep coating his every word.

Uneasy grey-green eyes slide to meet ruby and emerald. He gives a tiny nod, and the brunet inches closer so he can rest a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't miss the way Komaeda initially flinches in response to his touch, but soon leans into it.

"Hajime, is that you?" He feels stupid for asking, but nothing feels real. He needs to know he is free from that nightmare, firmly planted in Hinata's bed rather than strewn across the warehouse floor. 

_ All I wanted was somebody's love. _

"Yes, Nagito. I'm here," breathes Hinata, his voice still flimsy. 

"Can you..?" Komaeda chokes out.

He feels so pathetic. He can't even properly voice his desires.

Hinata seems to know what he means, though. He counts his lucky stars to have someone as understanding as him at his side.

"Yeah, I can… do that." There is a hesitant undertone to Hinata's words as he moves closer to the unstable Komaeda, wrapping sturdy arms around a shaking body. Komaeda feels like shattered porcelain, a mess of pieces that cannot be put back together; Hinata's embrace is enough to keep him held together, and perhaps with enough perseverance, he will be able to reassemble the mess of shards.

The night is cold and lonely. Hinata is warm, full of life and love. 

He leans into his touch.

A lifetime of loneliness, his luck driving people away from him when he's not the one driving them away firsthand. It still baffles him sometimes that he's able to confide so wholly in Hinata, and Hinata in him. He wonders when his luck will end up ripping Hinata out of his arms, too, wonders if the Hinata who holds him now has always just been a mere figment of his imagination.

The lonely dusk is envious of them. It can't sink its claws into Komaeda, can't warp his fragile mind into believing he is destined to live a life of solitude when he is wrapped so tight in Hinata's embrace. Even so, the chill is able to gnaw away at his loose ends, leading him to feel vulnerable in Hinata's clutches, to feel as if he is liable to losing him with one fell slip of the tongue.

His breathing is slowly returning to normal, the tremors laying waste to his body slowly relenting in their assault. 

"I died again."

Hinata makes a sound of discontentment at that, but gives him a gentle squeeze, urging him to continue at his own pace. Komaeda draws in a shaky breath.

"Except this time, it was as if I had all the insight I do now. I feel as if I have a true reason to stay here instead of just throwing my life to the winds of hope, but… I couldn't stop myself from doing it. It was like I wasn't in control of my body, and even though I didn't want to die alone in the warehouse, I still…" 

He shakily leans further into Hinata, who gently presses a kiss to his jaw before resting his head upon his shoulder.

Perhaps being the ultimate lucky student has some sort of merit to it. He was fortunate enough to be blessed with Hinata's companionship, even though he has proven time and time again that someone like him is truly unworthy of revelling in his presence. Briefly, he wonders what Hinata sees in him, though he pushes the thought aside. That is a matter for him to dwell upon some other night.

He clears his throat. "I kept telling myself I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die alone."

Hinata sighs into the crook of his neck.

"I kept telling myself that I didn't want to die before I knew what it was like to love."

Hinata sighs again, though this time, he pulls himself away from Komaeda and peers at him with an odd amalgamation of emotions. Within his eyes swirls a mixture of disappointment and hurt.

"You don't know what it's like to love?" asks Hinata, "What it's like to  _ be _ loved?"

Komaeda shakes his head. 

"It just feels like I've always been the subject of pity. I am riddled with disease and cursed with a mind that nobody wants to figure out. I've been told so much about how socially stunted I am, how much of a freak the others seem to think I am. It's simply hard to believe that I am capable of being loved when I have always been the subject of pity from my peers?"

He turns his head to look at Hinata, lips curling into a frown at the dejected display staring back at him.

"I admire, I appreciate, I aspire. I am able to see the beauty in the things and people around me, but I'm just too scared to let myself wholly fall for anything, because I am afraid of only being loved out of pity." Tears are falling from Komaeda's eyes. "I had accepted the idea of dying so readily in the past because I felt like my death would've made no impact on the people around me. It scared me in the dream, to have all of this click into place as I was on the verge of death, to realize then that I didn't want to die because I finally had my own reasons to stay."

"Komaeda…" Hinata starts, his brows knit together as he brings a hand to cup Komaeda's cheek, thumb swiping away at some of the tears sliding down his face. The air between them is heavy, full of words Hinata desperately wants to say to him but cannot, the ability to string along coherent thoughts escaping him as his eyes try to peer into Komaeda's averted gaze.

Komaeda brings his own hand to gently latch onto Hinata's wrist, the cool prosthetic causing goosebumps to erupt on his flesh. "You are my reason to stay, but…"

"But what?" His voice is but a whisper.

"Do you truly care for me, or have I just been too foolish to see things as they are?"

Hinata's hold on his face grows tighter. Komaeda's eyes flutter shut, and he loses himself in the dull sting of Hinata's hand on his cheek.

"I've always worried that you only put up with me because you felt like you had to."

Hinata's hand on his face is akin to sipping a warm drink in the dead of winter, the heat radiating from his cheek and spreading to his tumultuous core. 

Even still, it is not enough to thaw him entirely. His heart still lies entirely encased by ice, blackened by a lifetime of self-doubt and distrust of the world around him. 

He is crumbling beneath Hinata. He can't help it. 

The chill of the night is besting him, the terrors of his dreams manifesting in him as his slight shivering rebounds in greater intensity. 

His eyes are still closed. He is afraid to open them again, afraid to see the look of disgust his actions have forced Hinata to adopt. 

"I worry that you only put up with me because I'm some sort of burden dropped into your lap. I feel incredibly lucky to have you, Hinata-kun, but I can't help but worry you don't feel the same," says Komaeda, gently squeezing Hinata's wrist, "because everything I am is beneath everything that you are."

The words hang heavy in the air. He hears Hinata draw in a sharp breath. 

"Look at me, Komaeda."

He doesn't want to see the face of disgust that awaits him.

"Please."   
  
All he wants is his love, not to be despised by him.

"Nagito."

All at once, it feels as if the air is knocked from him and his body is stripped of all of its strength, too distressed to even tremble as Hinata brings his other hand to cup his other cheek. Petrified, he slowly opens his eyes, vision hazy from a whirlwind of tears. Hinata's face is a blur, though he's positive that it is contoured in some semblance of distaste.

"You… do you actually think I don't want you around?" There is a twang of disbelief to Hinata's words, a sense of incredulity dripping from the sleepy tenor of his voice. 

From chapped lips, a heavy  _ yes! _ is choked out amidst a sob.

"Wow." That's all Hinata seems to be able to offer, repeating the singular syllable over and over as if he were a broken record, a looping tune that drives a spear of loathing deeper and deeper into Komaeda's chest with each repetition. He thinks he would rather still be stuck in his nightmare, impaled by his own hand than to sit here and allow Hinata's words to cut him deeper than he ever could.

Perhaps he should've just kept his mouth shut. Anything would've been better than this, sitting here, listening to the seemingly taunting tone of Hinata's words.

Hinata looks truly perplexed, borderline amused, but Komaeda's blurry eyes can only read his face as discordant. "Seriously?" 

Shakily, the pale boy nods. Hinata laughs mirthlessly.

_ "Wow. _ Sorry, I know this isn't exactly comforting, but  _ come on,"  _ says Hinata, the same incredulous lilt present in his tone, "I waited everyday for you to wake up. I didn't want to leave you unattended because I worried so much about how you would be when you came back,  _ if _ you'd even came back, and I didn't want you to wake up alone. I wasted away in the warehouse making you a new arm, all because I didn't want you to suffer from thinking about the past every time you just… pick something up or hold something in your hands."

Komaeda blinks the tears from his eyes. In the dim moonlight, he can narrowly discern that he was worrying for nothing. Hinata's face is softened with affection, the cracks in his hardened exterior glowing with gold as he lets Komaeda into his head.

"I'm in love with you. Seriously. I have been for awhile, and I'll always reaffirm it to you until you believe me, until all of that doubt you have is finally drained from your head. I put up with you because I see you as someone who understands me, not because you're a mess that needs supervision. I mean, yeah, you can be a bit… much at times, but your eccentric ways are what made me fall for you. You aren't a child in need of parental supervision, you're Komaeda Nagito, _my_ Komaeda Nagito, full of mystery and unsung talent that I am... wholly enamoured with. Believe me, there's nobody I'd rather have in my bed, waking me up with an arm smacking my face."

They both laugh softly at that.

"I'm sorry for making you waste your breath on me. I just…"

_ I just needed reassurance. I just needed to know you love me. I just needed to know I don't have to spend the rest of my days alone anymore. I just needed to hear you put my worries to rest. I just…  _

_ I just I just I just I just i just i just i jus _

None of the conclusions trapped in his mind end up boiling over, and the sentence hangs unfinished in the air. 

_ I just need you. _

Hinata's hands drop from Komaeda's face, and he leans in to press a chaste kiss against his lips. "I know."

Komaeda thinks he might burst from his gratitude, from the affection which floods his system like a hurricane.

After a moment of soft silence, they settle back into bed, Hinata's arms once again wrapped around Komaeda, pulling him snug against his chest. 

He ignores the voice in his head that calls him gross for letting Hinata cuddle him while he's all sweaty and wrung out in the wake of his nightmare.

Finally, Komaeda's mind is as if it's allowed to rest, the flames of his head being extinguished by the waves of calm Hinata has splashed onto him. Part of him still worries about slipping back into the nightmare, but he's sure that if he does, he'll be able to accept his own suicide with grace and dignity.

He thinks of something he said to Hinata back in the simulation, the island sun beating down on them as he nonchalantly speaks of how the only thing he wanted before he died was to have somebody to love.

He is sure now, that if he passes in his sleep or is once again haunted by dreams of his demise, he will die with some semblance of peace.

The brunet is snoring softly into his ear.

"I love you, Hinata Hajime."

The brunet stirs, murmuring sleepy nonsense in reply.

Komaeda smiles and allows himself to drift back into the world of his dreams, the looming threat of a repeat nightmare no longer phasing him.

After all, he can't die alone. 

Not when he has Hinata at his side.

**Author's Note:**

> i started this last night at midnight and slammed it all out in an hour or two :P
> 
> regardless, i hope you enjoyed, and thank you as always for reading!! ^_^ <333


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